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Tag Archives: i need to stop drinking as much

oh, i could blame all of this on a vast, great many calamitous happenings of undoing
like this bottle tipping over, its contents hugging the lining of my stomach,
its bubbly acidic kiss, tonging the inner most hollow sanctum of my liver
or this slow but steady intricate lace of perfume that still hangs its scent around
my neck like a noose, waiting for me to stumble
but i know that these are not and i have no one to point fingers like sidewinder missiles at but myself
for allowing this to take shape
this feeling of loneliness
bears not the mark of your skin nor the holes in your jeans, but the stench of a man who’s lingered
in graveyards, in nicotine pits, in broken taverns and slow dive bars searching for effeminate affection
only finding the remnants of lives on the floor, knocked over by accident trod on forgotten as the night
lumbers on its voice shaking, booming, evaporating

spilling, coughing, deactivating
is this all we’ve become,
accidental? a momentary glance then – poof – oblivion bats an eyelash and
our lives becoming inconsequential? our loves become stagnant and dross
our homes breathe in a stale musk of giving up, moving on, growing weary
like for two hours, maybe more, maybe less, we meant something, but now
our time has passed.

i take the blame for all of this, for letting the past 20 some odd years of my life slip out of my hands, landing on the guardrails of time like a car crash
from this moment on, i take these words, however grand or small, load up and shoot from the hip not caring where they land
not pressuring myself on who they hit, just letting the words take life, grow wings and flutter away before they suffocate under the weight of my insecurities.
i am alive
this is more
then i can say
for most.
i am in love
with no one but the man
who’s ashy face
smiles back at me
through this
cracked
mirror.

– r.o.a

Listening to: Defeater – The Red, White, and Blues [album: lost ground EP]