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Tag Archives: rampant alcoholism

oh, i could blame all of this on a vast, great many calamitous happenings of undoing
like this bottle tipping over, its contents hugging the lining of my stomach,
its bubbly acidic kiss, tonging the inner most hollow sanctum of my liver
or this slow but steady intricate lace of perfume that still hangs its scent around
my neck like a noose, waiting for me to stumble
but i know that these are not and i have no one to point fingers like sidewinder missiles at but myself
for allowing this to take shape
this feeling of loneliness
bears not the mark of your skin nor the holes in your jeans, but the stench of a man who’s lingered
in graveyards, in nicotine pits, in broken taverns and slow dive bars searching for effeminate affection
only finding the remnants of lives on the floor, knocked over by accident trod on forgotten as the night
lumbers on its voice shaking, booming, evaporating

spilling, coughing, deactivating
is this all we’ve become,
accidental? a momentary glance then – poof – oblivion bats an eyelash and
our lives becoming inconsequential? our loves become stagnant and dross
our homes breathe in a stale musk of giving up, moving on, growing weary
like for two hours, maybe more, maybe less, we meant something, but now
our time has passed.

i take the blame for all of this, for letting the past 20 some odd years of my life slip out of my hands, landing on the guardrails of time like a car crash
from this moment on, i take these words, however grand or small, load up and shoot from the hip not caring where they land
not pressuring myself on who they hit, just letting the words take life, grow wings and flutter away before they suffocate under the weight of my insecurities.
i am alive
this is more
then i can say
for most.
i am in love
with no one but the man
who’s ashy face
smiles back at me
through this

– r.o.a

Listening to: Defeater – The Red, White, and Blues [album: lost ground EP]


i am falling, falling, falling
a hazy cyclone of mumbled words,
slurred speech and upset stomachs.
and at the bottom, there is no one
around to catch my fall
as i hit the ground with a vicious thud
my eyes light up before everything
turns black for a moment
then eternity.

there is something to be said, i suppose, for
crawling out of the rabbit hole
to find that the sun still burns outside
even though its winter
and that the pounding in my head only
means that i am still alive.
and i promised myself that i would never do
this to my body again,
but its easy to get swept up in the moment
like a great typhoon
swallowing and sputtering,
tripping and stumbling.
another endeavor lost to the great black heart of
and we’ve all been there…….

the other day, she said she missed me, the old me.
she said “you used to write poetry,
sing me to sleep in languages of passion
and love, heartbreak, sorrow and madness.
but now your tongue has dried up.
i weep for you.”

i weep for me too.

– r.o.a

Listening to: mewithoutYou – bullet to binary [album: [A—>b] Life]